Dick In A Box defeats Too Many Dicks! (64% - 36%)

The Contenders:

"Too Many Dicks" - Bret & Jemaine


vs.

"Dick In A Box" - Andy & Justin


The Story:

We've had a lot of epic battles before: Billy Joel vs. Elton John, Whitney vs. Mariah, Dan Akroyd vs. Tom Cruise.

Today, we're turning the speakers up to eleven.

Everyone's seen "Dick In A Box" and everyone loves it. I think "Motherlover" might have been better, but Andy and Justin said it themselves in that video: "[Motherlover] is the second best idea that we eeever haaad!"

On the other hand, maybe I'm mistaken, but I think "Flight of the Conchords" is one of the most underrated shows on television. It's like "The Wire," in that everyone that's seen FOTC loves it, except no one's really bugging you about watching it (top middle sign).

This is a good match-up because the songs are both about dicks. Dicks are funny! Haha, dicks!

I'm going to leave this poll open all weekend, for two reasons. First, I think this match-up deserves vigorous discourse and debate. These duos are both very funny, in very different ways.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I want to try to boost the vote totals for once. We haven't yet broken 30, but maybe 50 or so people have an opinion on this one. If you have a friend that loves dicks in boxes or on dance floors, tell them to vote!

So, yeah! Vote on the right!

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger... wins! (52% - 31% - 15%)

Thursday Three-Way!

The Contenders:

"Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" - Daft Punk


vs.

"Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes


vs.

"Lex" - Ratatat


The Story:

No jokes about how Tom Cruise is crazy today; just three songs from cool duos that I like. I think they match up well against each other, too. None of the videos are particularly fantastic, although the hands thing has 30 million views, and the White Stripes video is interesting. More importantly, this is music that I think is good.

If you hear something new that you like, let me know (via e-mail, comment, whatever) and maybe I can help you add some new music to your library.

Enjoy listening, and vote!

Sweet Home Chicago defeats You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'! (54% - 45%)

The Contenders:

"Sweet Home Chicago" - The Blues Brothers


vs.

"You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" - Goose and Mav?


The Story:

This battle pits two of my favorite things against one another--the Ideal Representatives of the City of Chicago versus pre-insanity Tom Cruise.

It's hard to define the parameters of this vote. Are we voting on song? I think they're both OK.

The video? Eh, both are fine.

The movies? They're both solid.

What about the actors?

Wasn't Goose in ER? That show was pretty good. Lots of people enjoyed it.

Belushi has a brother in a show called "According to Jim." That show sucks. Bad Belushis. Minus a billion!

Tom Cruise was in Top Gun, and Risky Business, and A Few Good Men. But he also jumped on a couch on Oprah. Plus zero.

And that leaves us with Dan Akroyd. He did lots of funny stuff. Hey, that reminds me.



I'm gonna go order a Bass-O-Matic now. Vote on the right, please!

Hey Ya! defeats Still D.R.E.! (70% - 30%)

The Contenders:

"Hey Ya!" - Outkast


vs.

"Still D.R.E." - Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg


The Story:

We're kicking off "Duos Week" (kudos to Augie) with the blog's maiden voyage into the hip hop realm.

I think it's really great having a web page load with Charlie Brown hanging out right above a picture of Snoop glaring into your soul. I'd have loved to embed the original Outkast video, but the record company won't let me (fuck the man!), so I'll just have to link you to that one instead.

In this particular battle, I fully expect Dre and Snoop to clean up shop. But you have to give credit where credit is due.

Outkast put together a really original sound that brought pop and hip hop together like never before. It's catchy, it's interesting, it's unique. And it's got one-liners that will stick around for a long time.

To this day, I myself continue to shake it like Polaroid picture. I am glad to have been made aware of the fact that it is cooler than cool to be ice cold.

Both good songs; wouldn't be surprised to see this one go either way.

Vote on the right, please.

Weekend Update: Mulligan!

The blowout of the week happened yesterday. I really thought "Senorita" was a good song. Apparently, it is not. To make up for my blogging mistake, I give you this mini-battle for Saturday.

The Contenders:

"Tearin' Up My Heart" - NSYNC


vs.

"Sexyback" - Justin Timberlake

(I took this video down because it was ugly and kept playing automatically whenever you visit the site which I thought was annoying.)

Vote on the right if you feel so inclined.

Tearin' Up My Heart defeats Senorita! (75% - 25%)

The Contenders:

Senorita - Justin Timberlake


vs.

Tearin' Up My Heart - NSYNC


The Story:

Before Justin Timberlake was having sex with everyone's moms, he was having sex with their 14-year old daughters.

Frankly, can you blame any of them?

It's only a matter of time before Justin completely takes over every media outlet. We may as well accept his storied past, and possibly even sing along with "Tearin' Up My Heart" at work. It just feels so right, you know? May as well do it.

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

Layla defeats Sunshine Of Your Love! (70% - 30%)

The Contenders:

Sunshine Of Your Love - Cream (click link for video!)

vs.

Layla - Eric Clapton (click link for video!)

The Story:

One of these songs is on Guitar Hero 3, and the other is not.

Also, one time I had a friend with a girlfriend named Layla. Whenever I saw her, I would say to her, "Hey, you've got me on my knees, Layla!" And I would think to myself, "Man, look at you, guy! You're so clever! I bet she's never heard THAT one before!" But looking back, it's pretty obvious that she had DEFINITELY heard that one before. Furthermore, not only had she likely heard it before, she probably heard that joke every day of every year of her life.

Sorry about that, Layla.

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

I Want You Back defeats Bad! (60% - 40%)

The Contenders:

"I Want You Back" - Jackson 5 (click link for video!)

vs.

"Bad" - Michael Jackson (click link for video!)

The Story:

I'm gonna guess that if I asked you to think of representative trax for the Jackson 5 and the King of Pop himself, you'd go with "I Want You Back" and "Thriller." That's basically what I came up with also, but I decided to make a last minute change for two reasons.

First, I think this is more fun when the battles are closer, and I have a feeling "Thriller" would have blown "I Want You Back" out of the water.

Second, part of the mission statement here at el blogo (that's Spanish for blog) is to re-introduce you to some trax you haven't heard in a good while. I went with "Bad" today because I think it's just as good as "Thriller" and "Billie Jean" and all those, but gets WAY less play time in general.

I hope that, of the handful of songs featured here at Trax Wars so far, at least one or two of them were songs you hadn't listened to in a while, and were happy to welcome back into your life with arms wide open (Creed vs. Nickelback, anyone?).

As a final note, I understand that many readers rely on the music video to make their final decision. Having said that, I think both of these videos are ridiculously good.

I'm pretty sure the "I Want You Back" video is a live performance--and Mike's vocals are spot on. The kid's got effin' pipes, man!

On the other hand, the choreography in "Bad" is mind-blowingly sharp. It's a must-see. In fact, I'm gonna watch that one again right now.

In the meantime, would you mind voting for your favorite?

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

Don't Speak defeats Hollaback Girl! (67% - 33%)

The Contenders:

"Don't Speak" - No Doubt (click link for video!)

vs.

"Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Stefani (click link for video!)

The Story:

When I first started putting this one together, I thought there was no chance of it being at all close.

Everyone knows "Don't Speak," and everyone loves it. As for me, it's not my favorite song from the era by any means. But it's solid. It's fine. Cool. Great.

But you know what else?

I saw that shit over there, Gwen. And I was wondering whose it was.

What's that? Oh, it's YOUR shit? It's YOUR shit?

I'm not sure I believe you. Could you describe this shit to me?

Bananas, you say? Could you spell bananas for me?

RIGHT! B! AN, AN, AS! THAT IS YOUR SHIT!

See? I didn't even mean to get "Hollaback Girl" stuck in my head--and all of a sudden, it is!

So what'll it be, partner? Are you a fan of the epic grunge-pop (can I call it that?) of the early '90s and No Doubt? Or can you step up the plate, and admit to your love of catchy one-liners?

Is your shit bananas?!?!

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

(And don't forget to become a fan of the blog on Facebook! Just search for TRAX WARS!)

Heads Up!, Week of May 18th

Decided against writing about which songs won this week. Scroll down, fool!

But I do want you to know what this upcoming week's theme will be.

Each day, we'll pit the song of a prominent solo artist against that artist's former band.

Example: Monday's match-up will feature Gwen Stefani, up against No Doubt.

I look forward to it. Hope y'all vote!

P.S. Remember to become a fan of the blog on Facebook! Just search for 'Trax Wars' and we should pop right up.

Weekend Update, Week of May 11th

First off, thanks to everyone who has stopped by this past week to read about/vote for their favorite trax. I think some people are enjoying the blog, so that's really super awesome.

Having said that, I think it might be helpful to review all the features of TRAX WARS to make sure all you cats and kittens are getting the most out of the blog.

-Each post starts off with links to YouTube videos of the trax that are battling. In the future I'll experiment with actually embedding the videos straight in the post. But for previous posts, the links are all there.

-I've also got an MP3 player on the site, just under the poll, courtesy of Amazon. If you ever feel like buying a song I've posted on the website, the player will link you to Amazon's website to allow you to do so.

-Feel free to leave comments of any kind--what you like about the site, what you don't like, and perhaps most importantly, any ideas for songs or genres you'd like to see included in future posts.

Thanks again for stopping by. Tomorrow, I'll be reviewing the results from this past week, as well as previewing upcoming trax battles for the next several days.

She Drives Me Crazy and King of Wishful Thinking are both sweet! (50%-50%)

The Contenders:

"She Drives Me Crazy" - Fine Young Cannibals (click link for video!)

vs.

"King of Wishful Thinking" - Go West (click link for video!)

The Story:

Once again, these guys have gone with the same strategy used to create every music video in the '80s and '90s: "Throw in a bunch of random shit and don't worry too much about how it ends up."

Although to be honest, if it were up to me, I probably would have ended up doing something pretty similar. Because you know what "She Drives Me Crazy" makes me think of?

Guys in yellow and black suits like Baron Samedi from GoldenEye doing some half-assed kind of leapfrog (right at the start of the video). And chicks in football gear with Dixie cup bras (at 0:56 in the video). And guys with pillows held on to their bodies with rubber bands (at 1:39). (Anything but Muppets and a montage of celebrities from the '90s.)

Same for the Go West video. I hear him sing, "I'll get over you, I know I will...", and I think--ZEBRA CROSSING (at 1:51)!

You've got to give the "Wishful Thinking" producer credit, though, for his extremely effective use of the ever-popular "Gorilla Mask Pop-up Effect" (start watching at 2:18). And really, if I knew a guy with access to an elephant as well-trained as the one in this video, I would definitely find a way to get it in there (2:34 and 2:50).

Safari animals, mariachi band, the pope, Elvis... somehow, it all just works.

And plus they're decent songs.

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

Total Eclipse of the Heart defeats These Dreams!

The Contenders:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler

vs.

"These Dreams" - Heart

The Story:

Maybe you've heard these songs, but seriously--have you seen these music videos?

What. The. Fuck.

First off, there's the hair. I mean, fine, everyone in the '80s had beautifully ridiculous, fantastically gigantic hairstyles. Whatever. Having said that, I think the Wilson sisters have edged out Ms. Bonnie Tyler on this one; the volume is flat-out impressive.

Next are the ninjas.

I mean, what's an '80s pop power ballad without ninjas in the music video? Fortunately in this case, Bonnie Tyler and Heart have managed to get them in there in both cases (at 1:13 and 1:27 respectively). Seriously, go look at these videos and try telling me that those are not ninjas. Since they've both got them, this category is a draw.

Then there's the zombie category, another obviously necessary element of any good '80s music video. I'm giving Heart the benefit of the doubt on this one, because the hands reaching up at them throughout are kinda "zombie-like," if you want to call it that in the event that it makes your blog post appear more cohesive.

But Bonnie... ohhhh, Bonnie. Not only did you include zombies in your video--you gave them leather jackets and made them do the Macarena (at 1:54). I love you, Bonnie Tyler.

Finally, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was in Old School and "These Dreams" was not.

Oh yeah, plus they're really good songs blah blah blah pick your favorite.

VOTE ON THE RIGHT!

Always Be My Baby defeats I Will Always Love You!

The Contenders:

"Always Be My Baby" - Mariah Carey

vs.

"I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston

The Story:

Oh, Whitney and Mariah. How I loved watching the both of you in the late 90's doing those "DIVA" specials on VH1. Those were so inspiring and not weird for me to be watching as a 14-year old boy.

Aside from both dominating 90's TV and radio, you could also say that both of these epic singers had similarly disappointing endings to their pop careers.

And then you'd be fucking wrong.

Have you seen these chicks lately?

Who could forget this lovely project, featuring Mariah Carey herself, from not too long ago? Simply stunning.

And Whitney has done nothing but star in perhaps the greatest television show of all time.

Finally, if the songs are impossible for you to choose between, there's the music videos.

For "Always Be My Baby," Mariah went with summer camp. Tell me you wouldn't want to go to a summer camp with Mariah Carey, a tire swing, and a make out pond.

And if you have any interest in appreciating Whitney's "I Will Always Love You," you have to try your damnedest to ignore the beauty that is Kevin Costner throughout the video.

So, what'll it be? Costner or tire swing? Glitter or Being Bobby Brown?

Mariah or Whitney?

Vote on the right!

Piano Man defeats Benny and the Jets!

The Contenders:

"Benny and the Jets" - Elton John

vs.

"Piano Man" - Billy Joel

The Story:

You've gotta start off with some real heavyweights if you're gonna be taken seriously in the blogosphere.

Unless you're a complete fucking zombie (in which case, awesome!!!), you've heard these songs before. They're both fucking good, everyone loves them, and if you hate either of them you hate puppies and candy. (Asshole.)

Furthermore, if judging these songs on their own auditory merits wasn't tough enough, the Interwebbers have pulled out all the stops on these YouTube renditions.

Benny and the Jets, 17 seconds in? Muppets.

Piano Man, 15 seconds in? Booze.

John v. Joel is hard enough, but really? Muppets v. booze? I can't decide.

Hopefully, you can.